Scared Straight
by Blue-10-Spades
Summary: In an effort to stop Sasuke from betraying the village, the council decides to send him on a tour of Konoha's prison system. "Don't betray the village," The man recited robotically, "otherwise you'll get captured, tortured, and possibly butt-raped." CRACK.


Scared Straight

In an effort to stop Sasuke from betraying the village, the council decides to send him on a tour of Konoha's prison system. "Don't betray the village," The man recited robotically, "otherwise you'll get captured, tortured, and possibly butt-raped."

* * *

"Why are we doing this again?"

Tsunade looked to the thirteen year old boy walking beside her. Sasuke Uchiha, the last remaining loyal Uchiha, was flanked by three anbu and bound in chakra restraining cuffs.

"Because Uchiha-san, we got an anonymous tip that you were planning on leaving Konoha to join up with Orochimaru." Sasuke stared at her his mouth suddenly dry. They knew he was going to leave with Orochimaru? But no one knew. The only person that could've gotten an idea of him leaving would be Naruto or Sakura. And Naruto was firm in his belief that his teammates would never willingly betray the village.

"Was it Sakura?" He asked knowing that she would have no qualms with tattling on him if it meant he would stay in the village. Tsunade gave him a sideways glance.

"Actually it was Yakushi-san." Sasuke blinked. Kabuto? Why would Kabuto betray him?

_Far off in the forest surrounding the village stood a man with long grey hair. He smiled sinisterly while pulling out a locket he hid beneath his shirt._

"_Yes, my love," He said softly while gazing adoringly at the picture of Orochimaru. "No one will get in the way of our love."_

Sasuke frowned in thought before looking back to Tsunade.

"So what?" He asked arrogantly. "I haven't betrayed the village yet so you can't just lock me up." Tsunade snorted at him.

"'Yet?'" She muttered in a disgusted fashion. "That alone is enough proof that you are planning to leave." Sasuke grumbled something under his breath.

"So…what is this? You're just going to lock me up?"

"No Uchiha-san. I'm going to scare you straight."

.

.

.

.

.

Sasuke stared at the woman before him. She stared back with a determined expression. Silence stretched throughout the room and he sighed.

"Ahah!" Anko yelled victoriously. "You blinked mofo!"

"Anko," Ibiki rebuked the woman to which she ignored. Instead she leaned back in her chair, sandal clad feet resting on the table she and Sasuke were seated at. Ibiki leaned against the door with crossed arms.

"Why am I here?" He muttered morosely to no one. Sasuke felt his pain keenly.

"Ibi-kun, you're here to open the door, silly." Ibiki gave her a look before opening the mentioned door.

"Not now!" She yelled while throwing a kunai at him. He dodged it easily and shut the door. "You have to wait for the guests."

"Guest?" Sasuke echoed.

"Yeah, how do we know for sure you're Sasgay—"

"Sasuke." He corrected her midsentence.

"Saucecakes Uchiha or not." He gave her a withering look to which she ignored with practiced ease.

"Wouldn't my chakra be enough of an indication?" She hummed at him in a distracted fashion.

"Well yeah but all are chakra sensor types are on missions." He gave her a disbelieving look.

"All of them?" He asked incredulously.

"Yea, all of them."

"Even the Hyuuga—"

"The Hyuuga all died! They're whole compound was obliterated!" Sasuke went quiet at her enraged yell and she smiled triumphantly.

"Bring in the guest!" She hollered at Ibiki and he complied, opening the door wide. Team seven walked through the threshold and it took all of Sasuke willpower not to slam his face against the desk.

The three of them took a seat across of him. Anko stood up and circled the table in a predatory fashion.

"Hey, bastard!" Naruto greeted him cheerily, delighted in his friends misery. Sakura merely blushed and stammered out something about love and shit and Kakashi ignored them all to read his book.

"Commence with the questioning!" Anko yelled. Sasuke stared at his old team blankly.

"Ok, bastard, here's an easy one: Who is the better opponent between the two of us?" Sasuke gave him a look.

"Me of course."

"Fraud, he's a fraud! Torture him!" Naruto screeched and Anko dove across the table to do just that. Ibiki sighed and hauled the woman by her waist, planting her firmly on her feet. She took her pointer and middle finger and pointed it at her eyes and them to him.

"I'm watching you," She said in a threatening manner and Sasuke looked around the room curiously. Was this a joke?

"Next question!" Anko yelled again making Sakura jump in surprise. She looked at Sasuke and blushed.

"Sasuke," He looked at her expectantly, "Tell me word for word what you said to me after we passed the genin exam." He looked at her blankly. Had he even talked to her that day?

"How in the hell am I supposed to remember that?" She huddled into herself in embarrassment.

"I remember that," She argued weakly.

"Please give the traitor a question he can answer." Anko said and Kakashi sighed before shutting his book.

"Sasuke, tell me…what is my last name?" Sasuke stared at him long and hard.

"Hatake." Kakashi stared at him for a moment before nodding his head.

"This is Sasuke," He confirmed and Sasuke tried hard not to give him the 'WTF' look he felt inside. Anko pursed her lips.

"To the search room!"

.

.

.

.

.

Anko smiled at the bare boy in front of her. He clutched his nether regions in an attempt for modesty and frowned at the deranged woman.

"It's cold in here," He said sullenly, feeling a chill run down his spine. Goose bumps rose along his flesh.

"Silence!" Anko commanded while she rifled through his clothes. She produced three kunai and five shuriken. And oddly a slice of tomato. She examined it carefully, sniffed it once then popped it in her mouth.

"That's my lunch…" He protested weakly. She made a show of swallowing and he felt something die a little at the loss of his precious tomato slice.

"Hey want to look at my rings?" He sighed and complied seeing as there really was no other option.

"They're very beautiful," He said in obligatory politeness. She smiled coquettishly.

"These are from all my suitors," She said in a smug fashion. Sasuke noticed a ring in the shape of a snake biting its tail. Next to that was a gold ring that bore a dolphin in the middle. And on her pointer finger held a ring with the kanji scarecrow. Perhaps the most disturbing one was the ring on her pinky finger bearing the Uchiha crest. It looked oddly similar to the one Itachi used to own and he stared at it harder.

"Beautiful," He repeated dryly. She smiled at him with too much teeth.

"Turn around," He stared at her.

"Why?" She reached into her pocket and pulled out a latex glove. He stared at it blankly before horrifying clarity reached his brain.

"No," He pleaded desperately.

"Yes," She told him, a smile on her face as she forcibly turned him around.

"Why?"

"You'd be surprised by how many rogue nin try to hide weapons in their anal cavities. Though it is quite amusing to see smoke bombs go off in people's asses. Quite the conversation starter too." Sasuke thought of men meeting in bars to talk about the woes of smoke bombs going off in their ass and balked.

"I can assure you, I have no weapons up my anal area," he yelled over his shoulder, a jutsu holding him in place. Anko slipped the latex glove over her ring clad fingers, snapping it a foreboding manner.

"Sorry Fagke, we can never be too sure."

The rest is omitted for the sake of your innocence.

.

.

.

.

.

Sasuke waddled in short movements, feet sliding over the floor, face grimacing in pain.

"You look like a duck," Anko commented behind him as she watched the Uchiha amusedly. He gripped the wall for balance, ignoring her.

"And your hair looks like a ducks ass." The anbu strolling at her side watched as Sasuke fell into a heap on the floor.

"Quack, quack!" Anko mocked the prone boy. Once of the anbu shook his head and went to lift the Uchiha up.

"One more stop, kid." Sasuke groaned into the wall.

"No…more…" He muttered piteously.

.

.

.

.

.

"Where are we now?" Sasuke asked Anko as they stood at the end of the hallway. Prison cells greeted them from each side, all the way to the end of the hall.

"We're in the holding cell area place." Anko told him as she led them the other side. Sasuke glanced at each cell, the anbu from before hovering behind him. He didn't recognize the first five prisoners but halted at the sixth cell.

"Mizuki-sensei?" He asked quizzically. It certainly looked like him, if a bit buffer. The man in question smirked back at him.

"Uchiha-brat! What are you doing down here?" Sasuke looked to Anko who was having a staring competition with a missing nin from Iwa.

"Going insane I think," He told the man seriously causing him to snort in amusement.

"Yeah, Anko-chan has that reaction. But besides that it's not too bad down he—" He stopped mid sentence and stared at something over Sasuke's shoulder. Sasuke frowned and turned around. The anbu who'd helped him earlier whistled innocently and Sasuke turned back to Mizuki.

"What were you saying?" Mizuki looked at him, then to the anbu, then to him again. "Don't betray the village," The man recited robotically, "otherwise you'll get captured, tortured, and possibly butt-raped." Then he scurried to his bed.

Sasuke frowned, shrugged and continued forward. He almost made it to the half way point before a prisoner beckoned him over.

"Hn?" He asked the strange man wearing a konoha head band, a line through the leaf symbol.

"We meet again Sasuke-san," The man said in a tone reserved for lifetime rivals. Sasuke looked at the man closely.

"Who the hell are you?" He balked at his response.

"I am your rival!"

"I have a lot of rivals. You're one of many." He told the man honestly. His face went an interesting shade of red.

"It is your fault I am here. I've worked hard to defeat you and paid the ultimate price. I have been locked up and tortured!" Sasuke quickly zoned out and turned away.

"Unimportant." The man fell silent in outraged shock before breaking down into a sobbing mess. Sasuke walked quicker.

When Sasuke finally made it to the end, Anko, had mysteriously materialized next to him, shocking the poor boy.

"Where did you come from?" She furrowed her brows and looked at him closely.

"I would think you're old enough to know where babies come from Saucey face." He blushed and leaned against the bars of the last cell.

"I meant where were you, crazy woman."

"Oh, you know kicking ass and taking names." Yes. Sasuke did know.

"So how'd you like the tour?" She asked, smiling broadly if a bit crazily.

"It was horrible, Anko. He's still going to betray the village." There was a pause before Sasuke turned around to look into the cell he was leaning against.

Orochimaru sent him a cheerful wave from inside and Sasuke felt his jaw drop.

"You…you have Orochimaru in here…" Anko looked into the cell and saw that yes, they did indeed have Orochimaru.

"Yea we caught him some time this week." She crossed her arms and gave a nod. Sasuke put a hand to his face.

"I…then why did I have to go through this if you had Orochimaru this whole time?" She frowned thoughtfully and tapped her chin.

"I don't really know," She smiled at him and Sasuke felt his brain short circuit. "It was fun though! Let's do it again some time Sasuke." Then she shoved him against the door at the end of the hall and it opened easily. He landed flat on his back on the outside, the sun shining down on his face.

Insane he thought to himself. This whole place is insane.

And that was the day that Sasuke Uchiha decided to run away and join a flock of ducks.

The elders never repeated the scared straight program on another shinobi.

* * *

Because I find it infinitely easier to write crack than serious stuff.

_Scared Straight-Complete_

**January 3, 2013**

**REVIEW! Please…**


End file.
